Melinda French Gates is discovering new ways to show up in a relationship.
After being vulnerable about how her public divorce, announced in May 2021, was “unbelievably painful in innumerable ways,” the philanthropist says she’s been thinking more deeply about the kinds of relationships she aspires to have in her future, both professionally and romantically.
“One of the things [Perel] talks about is power,” French Gates said at the summit.
“I both have a relationship with my former husband at work, and hopefully eventually I’ll have a relationship personally with somebody outside of work, but we have to think about power inside of a relationship and how do you share that and share that collaboratively.”
Establish shared power in a relationship
“The question always is, is it power ‘over’ or is it power ‘to,’” Perel says in her class, explaining that the latter can be “inviting,” “collaborative,” and “active.” Contrary to popular belief, we don’t fall into power positions in interpersonal relationships—and Perel challenges the idea that the breadwinner automatically holds the power.
“The main question is not do I have power, but do I have agency?” says Perel in her class.
“Can I take certain steps separately from what you are doing to me or to us?”
Power evolves, and once we understand how, it’s more clear that it can come from the bottom or the top whether it be at work or in personal relationships, Perel explains in her class.
Take risks with a partner to build trust
Try taking a “micro risk,” Perel suggests, by doing something novel in your relationship. This practice can help build trust over time and encourage more risk-taking behaviors.
Understand your biases
Whether we like it or not, sometimes we assume someone will act a certain way, even betray us, before we really give them the chance to prove otherwise.
Show up with self-awareness
“I think what it has taught me is something I had always longed to do, which is to be my most authentic self in every place I show up,” French Gates said.